Life's Negotiations

I just ran across this New York Times article, "Welcome to My World, O My Beloved. Don't Bring Your Stuff." It's one guy's viewpoint on co-habitation. This author's relationship crazy and mine could definitely be friends. Now his pack rat obsession on the other hand would drive me up the wall.

There are real gems in the article including his description of buying towels to mark the move-in (although Joan Crawford buying toilet seats is priceless) and of a cat pieta. Basically, this guy could say 'I love you,' but accepting his boyfriend's stuff was a much bigger step.

Reading this, I kept thinking of the hoops my husband went through - and still does he's likely to tell you. I might be the only woman who wasn't thrilled to get engaged, but is completely happily married. Since learning that I'm not much for surprises, he's begun introducing a topic months in advance of me needing to make a decision, giving me plenty of time to freak out, analyze every possible scenario and basically get used to the idea of moving in together, getting married, moving, buying a car, etc. etc.

You may recall my previous post on dating other couples to find friendship and how much it's like singles dating. The concept, called couple friends, seems to have hit on a trend.

Now besides the Crain's New York article (subscription required: "Four's company," 1/21/07), an article in the Calgary Herald and a storyline from The King of Queens called The Shmenkmans, The Today Show is planning to do a similar segment. If my husband and I are chosen to appear, I'll be sure to blog again. A possible brush with fame!

During the interview with the segment producer I was asked cutesy questions like: "What do you look for in couple friends?" "Have you two ever been broken up with by another couple, or wanted to break up with one yourselves?" "How did you know you found the couple friends for you?"

I thought it worth noting that within ten days there were stories on the family bed (parents + kids sleeping together) and couples sleeping in separate but equal spaces (called dual master bedrooms).

After reading both, I'm left wondering if after kids maybe adults just get tired of sharing.

The article on couples sleeping separately makes a point of saying that sleeping arrangements have nothing to do with the amount of love between partners...which was my first assumption. Given I've only been married two years, I'll refrain from writing the separate room idea off completely for another decade...in the meantime, we'll stick to our full-size bed. I think if we ever buy a king, it just might feel the same as sleeping in another room.

A hot topic with most 30-somethings I know is motherhood - to have kids or not, and the guilt and pressures associated with either decision. Self-inflicted or otherwise.

When I read this article in last weekend's NY Times Magazine called 'Motherhood Experiment,' it got me thinking. The gist is that many industrialized countries like ours are partially at fault for women putting off child bearing (if having them at all), because having both successful careers and children doesn't seem possible. The author bases this assumption on inadequate childcare and part time work options available to women in our societies.

I think the author may be right. From my childless viewpoint, it seems you have to give up something in order to have either: career ascension or being home when your kids get off the bus. If our country made childcare affordable and good for our children; allowed longer maternity leaves ensuring women wouldn't lose their place on the corporate ladder; and offered reduced hours or job sharing without career limitations -- motherhood would definitely sound more attractive. And frankly easier to pull off in a society that demands dual-income households.

I could see this becoming a recurring column.

If you're this side of hypochondria like me, you might enjoy this article: "Insufferable Clinginess, or Healthy Dependence?" in the NY Times today. Enjoy...or drive yourself nuts.

By the fifth paragraph, I started thinking through my day -- for example, the 10 instant messages I sent my husband most of which went unanswered. Either that means I'm too needy or he's just mean/busy. While I prefer to believe the latter, I had to keep reading the article to be sure.