Life's Negotiations

The New York Times had an interesting article about how friendships, and the act of sharing too much or too often, can be detrimental to your self-esteem.

Friendships are important for promoting self-esteem, but I think the author, Sarah Kershaw, makes an important point. If we look to friends to wallow with us in what-if scenarios and doubt for an extended period of time, our feelings will continue to spiral.

This quote from a college sophomore, Patricia Letayf, caught my attention:

I had to share this article, so appropriately timed to Valentine's Day last week. It's called "Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples."

Since it's the NY Times Health section, there is science involved - they split couples into several groups to compare ones with normal date routines of dinner-and-a-movie to ones who did something new each time, i.e. dancing and hiking. The results: the ones who did something different were happier and released positive endorphins, like the kind you release when you first start dating someone.

My inital reaction: who agreed to this experiment?

I've written previously about pushing yourself further, that we're able to do more than we're doing.

In the wrong hands, this theory becomes rigid. You could always do more, so what you're doing right now is not good enough.

The New York Times had a great article on this very subject: "Unhappy? Self-Critical? Maybe You're Just a Perfectionist" by Benedict Carey.

I just ran across this New York Times article, "Welcome to My World, O My Beloved. Don't Bring Your Stuff." It's one guy's viewpoint on co-habitation. This author's relationship crazy and mine could definitely be friends. Now his pack rat obsession on the other hand would drive me up the wall.

There are real gems in the article including his description of buying towels to mark the move-in (although Joan Crawford buying toilet seats is priceless) and of a cat pieta. Basically, this guy could say 'I love you,' but accepting his boyfriend's stuff was a much bigger step.

Reading this, I kept thinking of the hoops my husband went through - and still does he's likely to tell you. I might be the only woman who wasn't thrilled to get engaged, but is completely happily married. Since learning that I'm not much for surprises, he's begun introducing a topic months in advance of me needing to make a decision, giving me plenty of time to freak out, analyze every possible scenario and basically get used to the idea of moving in together, getting married, moving, buying a car, etc. etc.

I thought it worth noting that within ten days there were stories on the family bed (parents + kids sleeping together) and couples sleeping in separate but equal spaces (called dual master bedrooms).

After reading both, I'm left wondering if after kids maybe adults just get tired of sharing.

The article on couples sleeping separately makes a point of saying that sleeping arrangements have nothing to do with the amount of love between partners...which was my first assumption. Given I've only been married two years, I'll refrain from writing the separate room idea off completely for another decade...in the meantime, we'll stick to our full-size bed. I think if we ever buy a king, it just might feel the same as sleeping in another room.