Life's Negotiations

I spent most of 2009 lying to everyone, including myself.

From lies to "protect" my loved ones from what I believed they didn't want to know, to putting a positive spin on everything lest I be judged (while all along I was the one judging myself).

Trust me: it's lonely caught in a vortex of denial and avoidance.

Ever feel like an impostor? That all of your achievements were just luck, and any moment people will find out that you're not as smart as they think you are? Dr. Valerie Young calls it The Impostor Syndrome.

She hits on an important point. Behind the fear of being found out (and all fear) is a limited and limiting belief that hijacks your self-confidence.

As adults, we have pretty good holds on our fear. I imagine mine are hiding in deep, dark places in the recesses of my mind. Yes, they exist. No, I don't want to think about them.

Three years ago I had surgery and was in the hospital for 15+ days. It was a defining moment in my life. I still shudder sometimes to think about it, yet it has also propeled me to who I am and what I'm doing today.

Recently, a close family member was told she too needed surgery, the serious kind with multiple days in the hospital, mulitple doctors and stages of recovery. In the days since hearing about this all of my fears and memories have resurfaced.

One of my biggest fears - you know the kind you brace against hoping it's not true, but not sure it isn't - is that if I walk back through hospital doors, they'll keep me. I'll have to go through it again.