July 2008: Tug o' Fear

July 2008: Tug o' Fear

Monday, July 14, 2008

Monthly Coaching Newsletter

Coaching is not just about goal-setting, it is also about the roadblocks we hit along the way. Roadblocks can appear as you're making changes in your life, because your choices question the rules you created for yourself over the years. Facing them helps you understand more about what's important to you.

One roadblock is fear. If you're not careful, it can rule you.

Scaredy Cat

Flying is my current nemesis. I won't even dream about it. I fly regularly, but you won't catch me sitting by the window gazing at the city thousands of feet below. I'm too busy taking deep breaths, anticipating every sound and silently praying for safe passage.

The Tug of Fear happens when your fear is directly opposed to what you most desire. You're the rope caught between them. It's an epic battle -- how much do you want this and how brave are you to face your fear to get it.

My fear of flying doesn't get in the way most days. It does however loom large when I do one of my favorite things - travel. I love to experience new cultures, food, landscapes. To do so usually requires getting on an airplane. I can tell how much I'm being ruled by my fear by how willing I am to plan a trip.

Case in point:

Facing-Fear-with-a-capital-F

When I'm not paying attention, the fear can branch out to things not even connected to flying, like reading the Travel section of the newspaper. Why even think about traveling when I know I'll have to fly to get there...

Fear Lurks in Dark Places

Funny thing about fear. The thought of it can be worse than the actual thing. Remember the scary monsters in your closet as a child? Yes, our fears are based on reality now, but the method to dispel them is very similar.

When fear is ruling, it can convince us that we're safer if we don't question it. There is a good chance that you are under fear's control if you find yourself using statements that involve 'always', 'never', 'hate', 'should'. Strong words to keep you captive from even considering an alternative. "I should put off that trip until next year. I'm sure I won't like Greece in the summer."

Shine a Light

To understand your fear, you must look it in the eye. That means figuring out how it's controlling you (including physical sensations like goosebumps or pain), and its purpose.

Fear does have a purpose. Like other self-imposed rules you live by, it was created years ago in effort to keep you safe. Now that you're an adult you don't need it anymore, but fear, just like that scary monster, doesn't want you to find that out.

Try natural curiosity. Pay attention to when your fear presents itself and ask as many questions about what it's doing here.

Seeing your fear for what it is will not make it go away. The more you know about it, however, the less it will be a looming unknown that rules over you.

You can then decide whether you want to do something about the fear, or just be afraid and keep going.